Therapy In Shadow

I've sent out links to my blog to various people in my life whom I wanted to share this experience with. Close personal friends, select family members, and what-not. I am aware that I speak of sensitive subjects about people on here. But I hope that the people I speak of aren't offended by what I say. I try very hard to consider other people's feelings when I put them in here. Saying this, something happened with my mother that I need to address.

Yesterday, we went to my parents house. Mom was acting kind of strangely. Jessie an I are excited about a July 4th party that we have been invited to. This is an adults only party, not kid friendly. Not saying that its going to be some mass orgy of the flesh or anything, just a bunch of friends getting together, having a few beers, and playing on the adult size slip and slide. This is the first adult party we've been able to go to since our bachelor/bachelorette party before we got married over 6 years ago. Its been a while. Laura offered to watch the kids and we took her up on it.

Strange Instance #1
Upon mentioning that Laura was watching the kids, mom got weird. She got her back up and did that weird thing with her mouth when she's holding something back. Let me make something perfectly clear. I DONT doubt that my mother can care for our children. But life is more complicated than that. Since Lyrics diagnosis, its no longer about care, its about medical necessities. I am NOT confident at this time that my mother can care for Lyric in a medical way. And to be honest with you, I dont think she is either. I see her hands tremble nervously when she's working her pump. I see her asking the same questions over and over again. I see her improperly checking Lyrics blood sugar in a way that will give false readings. I see her reassuring us that she knows how to do this, yet goes so far into it that she begins to try to reassure herself.

I love my mother very much. I want more than anything for her be able to take the kids for an afternoon and not bat an eyelash about it. But this is all about experience with handling type-1 diabetes, and she just doesnt have the experience yet that makes us feel 100% ok with her taking the kids. But that time will come eventually. It just takes effort on everyones part to make it happen. I fear though that she may view Laura watching the kids as a dig to her abilities, as if to say we are robbing her in some way. I dont know.

Strange Instance #2
My mom reads this Blog. So I'm sure she's getting some kind of weird perspective on all this. While we were at my parents house, I asked my mom if she liked my blog. This question made her feel really uncomfortable. She said that "it was sad". Now, how am I supposed to take something like that. Seriously. So, I enquired a bit. She was frazzled in her reply. "I dont know why I think that I just do! Do we have to have a deep theological discussion all the time about this?!?". This was followed by a half assed laugh that felt more forced than genuine. She was clearly dealing with something.

I would sure like to know exactly what is sad about this blog. I'm taking some pretty wonderful things that are happening in my life and opening them up to all of my friends. I'm going down the list of the huge amount of positive things occurring daily, major perspective changes for the good, learning compassion and tolerance. It doesnt seem sad to me at all.

Is it sad that I've experienced this away from Christianity and the realizing of my struggle makes my time as a christian sad?

Is it that I could do this in Christianity, even though I've tried? Like I'm missing our on something better?

Is it that she could never share as intimately as I would like all the wonderful things that are happening to me due to her misconceptions?

Why is it so sad? I think its wonderful. Thats why I'm sharing it with people.

I view this as a tremendous step backward from out talk last week. Mom opened up to me in a way that she rarely does then. I felt as though she was truly ok with what I'm doing with my life. But apparently, its just sad.