Therapy In Shadow

At what point can a person know that a choice they have made was the right one? Its different for everyone, but I believe I hit that point this weekend.

I come in to my belief of Wiccan philosophies with a certain amount of baggage. My wife never really struggled with grasping the concepts of Wicca, or the life change. Its always been with her. but for me, with my Evangelical Christian background, its been a more drastic progression. I've come to realize that I have many walls built around me that prohibit true happiness in my life. This may be due to the mentality that a Christian is supposed to suffer somewhat through life, or to be a martyr for the cause. I do know that I have many more walls that I need to break down, but I've gotten off to a pretty damn good start.

Friday
Just about like any other Friday. I go to work, get the back deposit together, come home. After we got the kids to bed, instead of playing World of Warcraft (which you will find out that I am a whore for) we decide to watch a movie. We ended up renting YES MAN from pay per view, sat down with a few snacks, and chilled out. There was a scene in the movie that just about cracked me up. In fact, I was laughing so hard I had to have my wife pause the movie so I could regain my composure. But, something happened. Within the last 5 seconds of the laughing fit, I began to weep. And I'm not talking about laughing so hard it made my eyes water, I mean literally cry. I was taken back by it. I've never cried from laughing. It didn't take me long to realize that I haven't laughed that hard in several years. It was a freeing experience for me, it was beautiful in a simple way. It was pure joy and my heart ached because I finally found it again. Our lives have been so difficult the past few years with Lyric's diabetes and a new baby in the house. It was magic.

SATURDAY
Jessie's mother joined us in going to a place called Hot Springs. Its a way out in the middle of nowhere town full of old hippies and gift shops. The main draw is the natural hot spring water that is pumped into various tubs that people can jump in to and soak. Its a nice time. We had taken a soak while Jessie was going through her miscarriage with our first pregnancy. Going back there for me was like revisiting a painful part of my past, a very sad time. But it was ok as I had finally accepted what had happened those many years ago. We went to collect elements. We drove around for about 30 minutes, checking the place out and finally hit a spot where we could get access to the river. We didnt play in the water too long. Only about 30 minutes, but we collected our air, water, and earth in the mason jars we brought. The place had good energy, really natural. After we collected our dirt we drove back in to town and had a really good lunch at some gift shop/restaurant along the way. The kids crashed out early and Jessie and I played Warcraft the rest of the night. Got our toons to 62!

SUNDAY


I GOT TO SLEEP IN!!!!!!!!!! This is significant. Since Lyrics diagnosis, I have been the one to get up with her in the middle of the night to check her blood sugar. Jessie gets up with Dorian for his overnight feed and I assist her, more often with him now, due to her just being plain exhausted. I can honestly say I havent gotten to sleep in since October. So it was a wonderful way to start the day. When I came downstairs coffee was made, and Lyric was DYING to give me her Father's Day present. A hand painted coffee cut. Not usable, but still very pretty. It was really sweet. We lounged around for a while, Dorian was napping. When he woke up we went to my parents house and hung out in the backyard in the picnic area while the kids played in the dirt....well more like ate the dirt.

We got in to a very deep conversation with my mother about why we believed in Wicca. Now, this is my mom I'm talking about here. My psycho grandmothers child. Mom up until that point she had kind of pushed me away when I was REALLY talking about Wicca. I cant say I blame her with her upbringing at my Grandmothers hands. But she was very receptive, didn't turn her back on the conversation because it made her uncomfortable. In the past, she would put up her wall and shut me down if I ever spoke of it. It was a positive conversation and she opened up to me in a way she never had. A burden was lifted. Its almost as if she was the last bit of approval I was looking for with this whole thing. And I feel like I finally got it and she accepts me for who I am, not for what I believe. We had to leave, but Lyric was fighting a low blood sugar and covered in wet grass. So we suspended her pump, threw her in the shower, and let her sit and eat some food after she got out to bring her back up. Off to Rick's house.

Rick is Jessie's dad. He's an interesting guy, super intelligent, quick to be a smart ass. I like him a lot. He recently lost his wife to stomach cancer, but that's a whole other story that I'm sure my wife will eventually bring out. We stayed for a while, let the kids play and eventually left.

It was getting late, too late to cook. So for Father's day I had a romantic dinner at Taco Bell. It was oddly appropriate though, seeing as how our lives are hectic and this is not a rare occurrence. After the kids went to bed it was business time. Now, I'm not the kind of person to bring my sex life into the public eye. My sexual relationship with my wife is a very private thing. But to say it was awesome is an understatement. This is due to me letting go of some inhibitions and rolling with it. Turns out my perception of how I should conduct myself in the bedroom were a bit conservative. Ya, I talked dirty to her. It was freaking filthy. It would make Porn Stars blush. I'm sure the Bible on our bookshelf caught on fire from being around what we said........it was awesome.

IN CLOSING
What a wonderful thing. I feel like I'm experiencing life for the first time again. I've definatly made the right choice. After this weekend, there is very little that can convice me otherwise. My life has richness again.